This is not click bait, I promise. I really am going to share with you the three life lessons that I’ve been taught but never managed to learn, much less follow, until they were hammered down into my brain by harsh realities, including a near-death experience. I’m even going to list them here right away, without you having to scroll down to read them one by one. Isn’t that nice?
Do not let your past define you. This too shall pass. You will cross the bridge when you get to it.
It is ironic that all these lessons were taught to me by my father, with whom I thought I had a contentious relationship. Had I known what I know today, that he is one of the few people who will always have my back, perhaps I might have listened to him. This is a perfect segue to the first lesson.
1. Do not let your past define you.
Do not let your past define you. Change is the only constant thing in life. If you let your past experiences and memories define who you are and what you can do, you will constantly be fighting change. That is a battle that you are not going to, and more importantly, should not want to win.
This does not meant that your past should be forgotten. On the contrary, take the lessons that your past your taught you, make peace with the rest and move on. Most causes of anxiety, for instance, can be found in a person’s past and his or her inability to either accept the past or believe that it will not repeat again.
This is easier said that done and even after a year of therapy I have still not come to terms with this. However, I am now aware of the fact that most of my actions (or inaction) have their basis in my unresolved past experiences.
2. This too shall pass.
Once there was a farmer who lived in a small village in India. He had a prosperous life. One year, there was a very bad drought and he had very little crops to sell. The next year, there were heavy floods and all his crops were washed away. He lost his livestock as he had nothing to feed them. He had sold every piece of asset he owned to feed his wife and children.
After a week of starvation, he lost all hope and decided to kill himself by jumping in the village well. As he was about to jump, he remembered that he still had his family ring, which he did not have the heart to sell. He decided to walk back home, leave it for his family, and return to kill himself. As he was walking back, he saw that the ring had an inscription that read “this too shall pass.” He stopped walking and sat down to think long and hard.
He decided to pawn the ring, used the money to feed his family and re-start his farming from scratch. In a year, he was able to get a good harvest and the next year he was able to reclaim the family ring.
My father wrote this story for me when I had to speak in an oratorical competition (in or around 8th grade). This is a slight variation of the story he wrote for me and I don’t know if this story is his or a folklore from the south of India but the moral of the story is one that is very hard to forget.
No matter how bad you think your life is, it shall pass. It has to.
I remember asking my father how this can be true for someone like me, who lives with a chronic illness, as the pain never passes. His constant reply is, “Is everyday the same? Do you have no good days? If you have even just one good day, it means the previous day’s pain has passed.”
As annoying as it sounded, I have learned that it is true. This too shall pass.
3. You will cross the bridge when you get to it.
When I was in my 4th year of law school, I was admitted to the hospital with terrible abdominal pain. I thought it was a burst appendix but it turned to be a huge ovarian cyst. The doctor kept going on and on about temporary treatment, surgery if it doesn’t work and potential fertility issues. I was stunned and didn’t know what to say or do.
My parents trusted an alternative medicine specialist, a good friend of my father’s, to treat me. I remember asking repeatedly “what if this doesn’t work? Am I going to need surgery?Can I not have children?”
My mother simply said, “everything is going to be okay” and my father said “you will cross the bridge when you get to it”. At that age, my mother’s words comforted me and my father’s words irritated me a lot.
Now, I realise, that they were words of wisdom. He did not say that there was no problem, which would not have been true. He did not say don’t worry, as that would have been impossible. He did not say that all will be well, as there was no such guarantee. He acknowledged that this could be a problem in the future but there was nothing to be done until it was time to face that problem.
As I go through a phase of extreme anxiety, I realise that several of my worries are about what is going to happen to my health (as I recover from a life threatening episode), my career (as I am going through a burnout) and my relationship (as it is inevitably affected because of these). There is absolutely nothing I can do about these, except to face them to the best of my abilities when it is time.
Reconcile with your past, accept your present and do not overthink your future.
I am a burned out international lawyer & mother with Fibromyalgia and anxiety, trying to re-discover my identity.
