Parenting with Pain – A Make or Break moment

There are moments that make or break you as a parent, especially a parent living with chronic illnesses (#ParentingwithPain). I had one of those today.

My son was pretty stoic for the first 18 months of my medical condition. It was probably because he was younger or perhaps he a sense of not wanting his parents to worry about what he was thinking. Still, we made sure he got all the help we can find. With the help of a wonderful child counsellor at school, supportive friends & neighbours, we have been able to help him cope with this. I thought I had a grip on parenting with pain.

For the past 6 months though, my illness has started to play a big part in our day to day lives. It has restricted my diet, movement, what I can & cannot do. Naturally, it has also meant changes to what I could do with my son as well as my son having to see my suffering sometimes.

I thought he was anxious about what he will/should do if mama has her next emergency. What he has been thinking actually was just the opposite: What will mama do when he was not there during the next emergency?

I was taken aback. For a while I thought this was going to break me; that I had failed as a parent in an immeasurable way. A parent’s primary duty is to make their children feel safe and I thought I had failed to discharge that.

After giving it some thought, I asked myself these questions: Did I cause my son to have this feeling on purpose or by neglect (of my health, for instance)? Was there anything that I could have done differently to avoid the circumstances that led him to have this feeling?

The answer to both questions is a resounding NO.

I have been battling life or death situations (in some cases, in most other cases slightly less dangerous but difficult nonetheless). I have done my best to educate my son about this in an age appropriate way. As parents, we have done our best to get all the help he can get – physically and mentally from his school, a counsellor and a supportive group of friends. Even in the worst of emergencies, he was always well taken care of. After the emergency, he was assured (once including by our family doctor) that mama was okay.

So, I am going to appreciate that my son cares deeply about me and make sure he knows that. I am going to continue reassuring him gently that mama is getting better but it is just taking longer than expected. He loves being prepared, so I’m going to show him in a simple, age appropriate manner how prepared mama is. My husband and I are going to try to get some more regular help at home to provide a sense of stability for our son.

This shall be a moment that makes, not breaks, me as a parent.