How to handle life when you have a parent with chronic pain – Tips for children (and parents)

Note: Parenting with Pain is hard. Much harder than anything else I have ever attempted to do in life. It is equally hard on my son sometimes to live with and be raised by someone who is always in pain. We have, however, come together as a family to deal with this in a constructive and meaningful way. My son spits out gems every time he opens his mouth on this topic so I asked him to write it all down for my blog.

This is a guest post from my (almost 9 years old) son. I was very touched and impressed by his views and his writing. My contribution here is strictly limited to typing. I really hope that this can help you navigate your relationship with your children if you, like me, are a chronically ill parent. I hope that this will be part of a series that I hope to write on #ParentingwithPAIN.

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My mother has chronic pain. So she does parenting with pain. I tell her a lot of things about her pain and she said I must write it all down because it can help others. So I am doing a blog post here. You can also visit my personal blog www.advaithstime.wordpress.com.

Tips for parenting with pain

1. Please talk to your children about your illness or chronic pain depending on their age. Don’t hide it. If they get overwhelmed, talk about something else and think of when it will be appropriate to talk about it.
2. Don’t get agitated when you get sick. Then it may feel like it takes longer to recover than it actually does.
3. You are not a bad parent because you are sick.
4. Even if you cannot do anything, your existence is enough.

Tips for children

1. It is okay to be worried or scared.
2. Express your feelings and emotions to an adult or a trusted person.
3. Do what you like when you are worried or anxious. For me, drawing, reading, writing, playing video games and playing with friends are nice.
4. Try to adjust to the situation when it is difficult but it is okay if you cannot.
5. Counselling can help you mentally. See if your school has a counselor.
6. Don’t say you will get better soon, but say I hope you will get better.

Things that are difficult for me

1. I can’t hug or jump on my mother whenever I want to because of her chronic pain. I must always check.
2. If an ambulance comes or my mother has to go to the hospital suddenly I get a bit shocked and worried – but then so would everybody, right?
3. Our family plans can be cancelled in the last minute and that is difficult to adapt to as I am a highly sensitive child.

Here is how I handle these difficult things

1. I invented air hugs for days when I cannot hug my mother.
2. If an ambulance comes, I ask how I can help and if mama is feeling okay. That helps me stay calm.
3. If plans get cancelled, I play video games or call my BFF to talk to and cheer up.

Things I have learned

1. I have become a bit more brave because of all the experience.
2. Caring for others is good but I must also care for myself.
3. I am stronger mentally.

My mother says parenting with pain is hard. I think so too but I like my mother more for it because it means she loves me so much.